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from Interviews/Testimonials
"Listen to Ex-Gays, Too"
A NARTH Member sent the following letter to a call-in radio show, "Love Line,"
hosted by a psychotherapist named Dr. Drew. As an ex-gay man himself, our reader
was disturbed that Dr. Drew had a one-sided understanding of the homosexual
condition. This insightful struggler notes that people should not necessarily act
on what or who they are attracted to, because those attractions may be rooted in
a deficit cannot be fulfilled within a sexual relationship.
He wrote:
I have been a radio listener of "Love Line" for a few years. I admire the candid
and direct feedback that you give to your callers.
However I believe that your advice on homosexuality lacks full representation.
Over the course of the past few years, I have heard numerous homosexual callers
state their dissatisfaction with their sexuality; or they have posed serious
dilemmas to you in relation to their sexuality.
One call in particular was from a homosexual teen-age boy who claimed that he is
only attracted to heterosexual men, not to other homosexual men. This call
prompted me to write this letter to share my feelings and history with you, in
hopes that you will share it with your listeners.
When I was 16, I became sexually active with another teen-age boy. Our sexual
relationship continued for the next two years. He introduced me to pornography
and to the gay "cruising" scene. By this, I mean that I became actively involved
in meeting other men anonymously in parks and public bathrooms for sex. When I
started college at age 18, I believed that my homosexual activity would stop.
However the stresses of life became greater, and my acting-out increased to an
addictive level. At this point, I realized that my homosexual attractions and
behavior were not just a "passing phase." I realized that I was truly a
homosexual.
For a few years thereafter, I continued to have anonymous sexual encounters with
other men. However it became a very emotionally painful way to live. I began to
seek help. I did not want to be a homosexual, or to continue my sexual activity
with men.
I began to work with a therapist who taught me a lot of cognitive coping skills
and social skills. I also found a men's organization that sponsored weekend
men's retreats and on-going men's support groups. I joined a men's group and
continued to work with therapists to heal my homosexuality. Over the course of
three to four years, I engaged in a major life-changing transition. Through the
use of powerful therapeutic techniques, such as thought-process reframing skills,
transactionary analysis (inner child work), bioenergetics, core energetics,
reparenting and psycho-dramatic role playing, my homosexual attractions
diminished and my true being as a heterosexual man has emerged.
Through my therapeutic experiences, I learned that my homosexual attractions and
behavior were symptoms of a deeper need. This need is to receive love from other
men in a non-sexual way. Early childhood sexual abuse, an emotionally distant
and detached father, unhealthy relationships with my mother and grandmothers and
a feeling of non-acceptance from other boys and men all caused my homosexual
attractions. Because I was wounded at such an early age, I shut down emotionally
to protect myself. This kept out more pain from coming in, but it also kept me
from receiving same-sex love that I so desperately needed.
Through the course of my healing, I have received a lot of non-sexual touch from
other men. This touch and my release of so much emotional pain has helped heal
my wounds.
I am now 26 and have been free from homosexual acting-out for three years. I am
no longer sexually drawn to other men, and my previously non-existent
heterosexual attractions have emerged. My urge to seek sexual change was based
on my internal emotional pain, not societal pressures to "become straight."
I tried living a gay lifestyle, and in my experience, it is unfulfilling and
empty. The healing is not about suppressing the homosexual attractions. It is
about embracing them for what they are, and for what they truly symbolize.
I believe that homosexuality is a symptom (such as alcoholism or drug abuse) of
deeper wounding. The very fact that 90% of gay couples are not monogamous, and
that most gay men report early childhood sexual abuse, clearly states to me that
homosexuality is inherently a developmental issue. There are too many
environmental common denominators among homosexuals to conclude that the causes
are random or biological.
I have heard you make the connection between sexual abuse and later homosexual
behavior in many of your callers. Acting on these homosexual attractions
symbolizes an urge to connect with other men and to connect with masculinity.
But two men who are looking for masculinity outside themselves cannot find it
sexually through other men. In my judgment, that is why living in a gay
relationship is ultimately unsuccessful.
On certain occasions, I have heard you discuss how people should not necessarily
act on what, or who, they are attracted to. Homosexuality is a great example.
Homosexuals are searching for their gender identity through sexual contact with
the same sex. However, they will not find it there. Because the roots of
homosexuality are basically non-sexual needs, the homosexual cannot be healed
through same-sex sexual relationships. It can be healed by deep, non-sexual
bonding with people of the same sex.
In reference to your ten-age homosexual caller who was not attracted to other
homosexuals, it is clear to me that he is attracted to heterosexual men because
of their masculinity, and that is precisely what he needs to connect with
non-sexually.
My intent is not to gay bash. I have much empathy for gay men and women. My
hope is that more people will become aware that there is an option for those who
are unhappy with their homosexuality and truly want to change.
I realize that it is politically and professionally risky to talk about healing
homosexuality. I respect that problem, and I respect the fact that some are
happy being gay. Others, however, are not happy being gay.
I sincerely hope that you will read this letter on the air during one of your
shows. Because you have many listeners, your show is a great venue for
discussion. Many of your listeners are at very impressionable ages, and they are
turning to you for help. I encourage you to also present them with an
alternative, and let them investigate what is best for their own hearts.
Where should they turn? The National Association for Research and Therapy of
Homosexuality is a professional association that believes that homosexuals,
through therapy and other means, can change. They can be reached at
818-789-4440, or via the internet at www.narth.com.
Sincerely,
(Name Withheld)
Updated: 8 February 2008
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