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from Interviews/Testimonials
Story of a Married Man
Alan Medinger, a leader in the Christian ex-gay movement, originally told this
story of his personal struggle in the Exodus Standard. We are reprinting it
here.
Mr. Medinger describes a religious experience which freed him from the desire to
act out homosexually--a compulsion which once threatened his longtime marriage.
Some years would pass, however, before he no longer felt the psychological need
for a partner who was a father figure.
This case history is interesting to psychotherapists for its description of
family and developmental background, and its illustration of the way unmet
emotional needs set the stage for homosexuality. It also illustrates the profound
potential of religious commitment in impacting the change process.
ALL THINGS BECAME NEW
By Alan Medinger
(Reprinted from The Exodus Standard, Vol. 13, No. 1,
1966)
During a recent quiet time, the Lord showed me what my life might have been like
today. I envisioned myself living alone downtown--lonely and desperate, still
going after that which could not satisfy, seeking from other men that which they
did not have to give.
Willa, my wife, was living somewhere else, the anger and hurt in her life still
hidden beneath the surface. I saw our younger daughter, Beth, daily expressing
an anger towards a father who had never understood her needs and who had finally
abandoned her. Our older daughter, Laura, carried a deep sadness for a father
she loved very much. Our son, Steven, had not been born at all.
But that is not the way my life is. On the night of November 26, 1974, a new man
was born. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that a boy was reborn and
started to grow into a man.
In my background were most of the ingredients typically seen as contributing to
homosexuality: an unplanned child, parents who were hoping for a girl, an older
brother who met the father's ideal more than I, and a father with severe
emotional problems which caused him to barely be able to cope with life himself,
much less meet the needs of his son. Now I know that these factors did not cause
my homosexuality. Rather, my responses to these factors influenced me in that
direction.
I suppose I was about twelve years old when I started acting out my homosexual
attractions. But, growing up in the 1940s and '50s, there was not a visible gay
subculture, a homosexual lifestyle, to which I could aspire. I always assumed I
would marry and do the best I could. My wife, Willa, and I had grown up as
neighbors, dated through high school, and then in college became more serious.
She was a wonderful, popular girl and I believed we could have a good life
together. We were married and things went well in the early years. But about
the fifth year of marriage, after two daughters were born and the normal family
and career pressures started to build, I again became homosexually active. I was
involved for the next ten years.
During those years I believed that, except for this one great, dark area in my
life, I had it all together. I was successful in business, was a pillar of the
church, and had a wonderful family, including foster children we took in.
Theologically, I had it pretty well figured out. All men and women commit sin,
and this was my particular area of weakness.
This may be hard for many to understand, but I hated my homosexuality more than
anyone could imagine. But even worse was the thought of giving it up. I don't
know why. Was I really seeking love from another man? To be worth something to
a man? To possess another's manhood? Sex with another man met some
need...provided some relief or escape that I felt I had to have.
I figured that if I just kept it moderately under control, God's scorecard on me
would tally up in my favor and I would be okay. But everything was not under
control. The compulsion was increasing, and my going out became more frequent
and reckless.
My marriage was coming apart at the seams. I finally was no longer able to
function heterosexually. Willa figured out what the problem was, but decided
not to confront me.
My wife, of course, was desperately unhappy during those years. She joined a
prayer group of mature Christian women who were true prayer warriors. Although
she did not tell them the specific nature of the problem, they started praying
for our marriage.
Willa began sensing that she should let go of me. If the marriage were to fall
apart, and me with it, she was to let it happen. She was able to let go of me,
spiritually and emotionally.
Not long after this, a friend asked me to attend a prayer meeting. I resisted
for a long time, but finally agreed to go. He told me, "What the Lord has for
you is far better than anything you could imagine." When I heard that, a great
peace came over me.
To a casual onlooker, nothing spectacular happened that November night. But
inside of me, a great change occurred. As the large group of two or three
hundred people were praying and praising God aloud, I quietly surrendered my
life, including my homosexuality, to Jesus Christ.
I admitted my helplessness, that my life was a wreck, that I was willing to let
Him do whatever He would with my life.
Beginning the following day, I started to recognize that a whole bundle of
miracles had occurred. Gone were the homosexual fantasies which seemed to have
seldom left my waking mind over the previous twenty-five years. I felt a love
for Willa that I never knew was possible.
Perhaps most important of all, God was no longer a faraway scorekeeper. He was a
Savior who had come down from His heaven and brought me salvation. Jesus loved
me and I loved Him so very much. I knew for the first time what it was to love
and be loved in return.
At the time, I felt that God had done a total healing, and it is true that the
sexual pull towards other men was gone. But homosexuality is more than having
sex with someone of the same gender. Closer to the root is a deep brokenness,
almost a stillbirth in our manhood or womanhood. Somehow as a small boy, I had
closed a door to my growth into manhood. God helped me open it again.
My conversion marked the resumption of my growth into manhood. God has worked
wonderfully to remove my great sense of inadequacy around "straight" men. He has
enabled me to become an initiator and a leader, roles which I dreaded at one
time. In a beautifully gentle way, God has been shifting the roles my wife and I
take, so that I can assume my proper headship in our family.
Because of the sudden nature of my healing from homosexuality, I am often asked,
"How complete is your healing ... really?" In reply, I can say it has stood the
test of time and has borne the fruit of a blessed marriage. I have not been
homosexually tempted during the past ten years. By temptation, I mean seriously
desiring or considering a sexual act with another of the same sex. I did carry
beyond my initial healing some desire for an older, stronger man to "take care of
me." That too is now gone, and I see men as brothers, not as father-protectors.
Naturally, I have avoided literature, movies and other situations which could
arouse homosexual lust. When they are encountered, as they will be, or when
someone I am counseling describes the circumstances of a sexual fall, it does
sometimes give rise to some sexual feelings. However, those are minor and are
diminishing with the passing of time.
I may still take a look at a good-looking man, but God has shown me in the past
few years that this is based on envy and habits from the past. As I repent and
thank God for the way He made me, this is becoming less frequent.
I'm so thankful that the picture of "what might have been" in my life today has
not occurred. I am involved in ministry to homosexuals. Willa and I are working
together in this ministry and look forward to celebrating our twenty-fifth
wedding anniversary. Our two daughters are now in college and Stephen, our son
who "would not have been," is eight years old and doing well. And his father
loves him very much.
Updated: 3 September 2008
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