from Clinical/Therapeutic Issues

An Open Letter To Mothers Of Sons
With Homosexual Attractions

From Richard Rupp, M.Div., MFT

November 28, 2005 - (Men with homosexual attractions tell me some very common stories about their mothers. As a psychotherapist who has worked with over two hundred such men in therapy, this letter is offered on their behalf to help mothers better understand the needs of their sons. In fact, these needs are universal for all boys and men. What follows is what every son needs from his mom, and what my patients all wished their mothers would know.)

Dear Moms,

You may have noticed that your sons have a difficult time in directly expressing their needs and feelings to you. The reason for this is because they often feel guilty for telling you things that may be painful to hear. As this letter will illustrate, there are a number of reasons why guilt plays such a major role in their lives. So if this is painful for you to hear, I believe the benefit will far outweigh the possible pain that it might cause.

Sons with same sex attractions often have a love-hate relationship with their mothers. This is not because they are not close with their mothers. In fact, the opposite is true. It is more often because they have been too close. Time and again I have heard men tell me that their mothers went beyond mothering them to smothering them. And when a boy is not able to successfully, emotionally separate from his mother, he will not be able to grow into the fullness of his own masculine identity or manhood. If a boy is more identified with mother/sisters/girls than with his father/brothers/boys, then he will naturally feel more like a girl than a typical guy. This is exactly why men with homosexual attractions have so many girl friends--because he feels like one himself. He feels more comfortable and at ease around girls than he does with guys and his own gender. In fact, to him, other guys are more like the opposite sex. This is why he is so attracted to guys instead of women. He longs for a male to complement his own lack of a masculine identity.

Let's look at several common ways that a mother can inadvertently, even unknowingly, undermine her son's separation from her. Yes, separation from you is essential for a boy. Let me repeat that. Your son's primary task is to separate from you and become his own man. He is meant to leave you someday and to find another woman besides you. The ancient Hebrew Scripture puts it as succinctly as it can be. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife." (Gen. 2:24) Unfortunately for many sons, they have never been able to unite with a woman because they have never left their mothers in the first place. Here is why.

He feels obligated to take care of your needs--not like a son, but like a husband. The men that I work with have all felt an expectation to play a substitute husband role for their moms. Think about it. If you are not happy in your marriage, for whatever the reasons--it is all too easy to turn to your son as the replacement male in your life. In fact, you can even think of your son as the perfect male in your life. "Perfect" because you have shaped him since birth to be just the kind of male you always wished for. This only makes a son feel trapped. When he sees that mom favors him over father, (that can be as early as three for some boys) he is put in a hopeless trap. He also knows that Dad likely resents him for it, which only further alienates him from his own father. Not only that, but he also knows that no matter how much he tries to be a substitute husband/man for his mother, he can never measure up. Because he knows deep down inside that he is not a man when he is only 8 or 10 or 14 years old! So the anxiety about being enough of a man starts extra early for these boys. And lastly, he feels trapped and guilty to ever leave you for another girl for fear of hurting you and leaving you unhappy and lonely all over again.

So what can release a son from this trap? The answer is obvious. If you are not happy with your marriage, for whatever the reasons, then deal with it! Take care of it apart from turning to your son. Face your husband, resolve your anger and hurt with men, talk about it with your girlfriends, seek help from a pastor or marriage therapist. But leave your son out of it. He has his own life to live. Remember, his task is to leave you someday. He never married you, so stop treating him as if he ever did.

A second problem that I've heard countless times from men is of mothers who were afraid to let their boys be boys. Lets talk about what that means. It means that boys need to be recognized as the boys they are, and allowed to behave like boys behave. A serious consequence of radical feminism is that boys (and men) are treated with contempt when they act like--boys and men! One of the central dreams of feminism is to somehow mold males to be more like females. And so mothers can start early on this project. The first thing to go are toy guns, swords, light sabers and army tanks. When mothers do this to their sons, they are sending them an unmistakable message--that masculinity is bad. That aggression and competition is bad. The message sent is that male nature must be bad. So let me say this in plain English. Aggression is a basic trait to male nature, and it is not a bad thing. When a boy plays cops and robbers, he is play acting good guys vs. bad guys. This is a good thing. And yes, toy weapons can help a boy to practice fighting the bad guys in this world. Whether feminist women like it or not, men universally feel that their one unique role in this world is to protect women and children. And it makes a man feel like more of a man when he feels confident and equipped, and respected, for protecting others. So if you ever replaced your son's GI Joes with Barbie dolls, do him a favor. Apologize for disarming him. And if your son is still young enough, go ahead and buy him a toy sword this Christmas. And then compliment him on his sword fighting!

Many mothers also try to protect their boys from getting hurt. Ironically, this actually hurts a boy. Although a mother may think she is doing him good, she is actually injuring him. I'm not saying that it's a great thing for a boy to get a sprained ankle on the football field or soccer field. But God knows it's not a bad thing. The ankle will heal, and the boy will learn that he was tough enough to feel the pain and to get over it. This serves as a positive lesson in life. In fact, it will also make him feel like more of a man. Both men and boys often brag about the injuries they endured from either falling out of a tree, off a roof, or from a tackle on a football field. It is all a part of his warrior nature. In fact, enduring pain is a central part of male rites of passage all over the world. And the more that a tribe is known for warfare, the more painful and bloody are their initiation rites. Typical initiation rites include beatings with whips, scarring with hot irons, cutting off a finger, knocking out a tooth, drinking blood, circumcision, and enduring days and nights without food or water.

Why do men do this to boys? The answer is to prepare boys in their roles as a warrior who will protect women and children--to the point of his own death. This is an honorable role for men. If you don't believe this really matters to men, then just take a look at men's movies. There is always a battle to fight and a woman to rescue. Whether its James Bond or The Lord of the Rings, men have a role to play as a Warrior in their lives, and that often includes being wounded in the process. So what's the point here for mothers? Even if you don't like sports, get your son involved in it anyway, and let him know how much you love seeing him compete against other boys. And when he starts to climb the nearest tree, let him go. Your worries and preventing him from getting hurt is one of his worst hurts of all. Boys who are prevented from the rough world of other boys will easily feel different--as in weaker--from other boys. Their self-image can feel more like a coward. And the end result is that they may never feel adequate enough to earn the respect of a woman someday.

Now for one last word that I wish I didn't need to mention. Don't ever be seductive with your sons. Too many men have told me that their moms walked around the house topless or even completely naked, or took baths with them until they were twelve. One mother even moved her bed into her son's bedroom (for ten years). As you already know, males are visually stimulated, so sons will notice your body. And they will also feel so ashamed of any sexual stimulation for you that they can swear off women forever. As one twenty year old once told me, "whenever I even look at a woman's breasts, I think of my mother's, and it makes me want to puke." As I said before, if you are unhappy with your husband or unhappy with your sexual life--leave your son out of it. His future is meant to be with his own wife, in a completely satisfying sexual relationship with her. Mothers who are seductive to their sons can cripple their sexual desire for the opposite sex.

I'll close with one last example of a boy's needs from his mom. Jerry (not his real name) sat on my office couch with his head in his hands, and tears in his eyes. Although Jerry was big enough to be a football linebacker, (in fact he was in high school), he never felt like he was the same as other men. "I didn't want to be a Mama's boy," he sobbed. "I wanted to be a Dad's boy, or a Man's boy. But dad was never around. And mom always turned to me for her needs. She even made me hold her hand." It is not surprising that Jerry developed same sex desires by the time he was fifteen. He envied and wanted what he saw in other men--their independence and different-ness from women. Jerry eroticized his desire to be close to other men, as well as shut down his sexual desires for women. Two years later in his therapy, Jerry no longer feels like the mama's boy he once did. His heterosexual attractions are being released, and he feels more confident than ever about his own manhood. But I still hear him say to me, as I hear from so many men, "If only mom had treated me differently. I just wish that she had respected my boundaries better, and just let me be a boy." I know one professional man in his thirties who complains about his mother calling him on the phone five times a day at his job, "just to chat." Of course, you can already guess what he needs to do and say to her. It will hurt her, and he will feel guilty at first. But hopefully, they will both get over it. And even if she doesn't, then he still needs to tell her to back off anyway. She'll just need to find someone else in her life to talk to everyday!

On behalf of all of the men that I have worked with, I thank you for not only reading this letter, but to also consider what it says. These men don't hate their mothers. They truly love them. But men can love their mothers even more when there is more distance between them. It's paradoxical, but it's true. If you want to be closer to your sons, give them more space. And if you want them to develop their natural desires for women, then give him a positive example of a woman, too. If you are anxious by nature, full of insecurities, controlling, angry, prone to temper tantrums, or have any other similar problems, then get the help you deserve. Not only will it make your life better, but it will also make your son's life better, too. And it can only make his relationship with other women more appealing to him as well.

God knows that sons need their mothers. Especially in the first three years, a boy needs his mother's consistent nurture and care as the basis for security and trust in his life. But he is not meant to stay in that kind of dependency. And a mother is not meant to baby her son forever. One twenty four year old client said that his mother still calls him by the nickname, "My Sunshine." While this might sound cute to her, it's emasculating to him. When mothers treat their sons like men, then their sons can feel more like the men they really are.

Again, thanks for reading this letter. If it was in any way painful to you, then consider what that pain is telling you. And consider the changes that could make life better for both you and your son. You are, and will always be, a very special woman in his life. If it seems like it could help, you might even share this letter with your son and talk about these ideas together. If you do, tell him up front that you can handle whatever he might say. Help alleviate his possible guilt to be honest with you. By giving him the respect and the space, your relationship can be closer than ever, and stronger than ever, even as it is more separate than ever. Closeness--and separateness. That is what boys need from their mothers, whether they are ten years old or forty. And they will love you more for being that kind of mom!

Sincerely, Rick Rupp, MFT
November 10, 2005

Updated: 3 September 2008

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