from Theological Issues

PASTORAL CARE FOR SAME-GENDER ATTRACTED INDIVIDUALS

By Rev. / Chaplain Kent L. Svendsen

Regardless of what religious group you may belong to, there are probably within your membership those who struggle with the issue of same-gender attractions. Unless your organization is gay affirming--that is, it celebrates and accepts homosexual practice as moral when it is within a committed relationship--those struggling with such attractions may see their faith group as a place of hostility and rejection. The "love the sinner, but hate the sin" approach may sound appropriate, but fear of being identified as one who has a sin that others can hate is often enough to keep such strugglers well hidden.

The issue of sexuality and sexual attraction has always been a touchy subject for religious groups, and one that is often avoided--even though it should be a central concern in today's sexually exploitative society. In the ongoing religious debate over the issue of homosexuality, the disagreements can easily become hostile and confrontative. For many persons of faith, this can result in what can best be described as a "fight or flight" mentality. The "fighters" charge after the "enemy," while the rest run for cover--not wanting to be hit by the "friendly fire" coming from either side.

Meanwhile, those struggling with same-gender attractions often run for cover themselves, not wanting to be caught in the middle of a battlefield. They realize how quickly one can become a target for the anger and confrontative attitudes of those involved in the debate.

This means that they often do not receive the supportive ministry of the church, something that can be a powerful resource in helping to bring positive changes into their lives. Often the options are to either hide their struggle or turn instead to either a pro-gay therapist or one of the pro-gay supportive ministries for help. Here is a typical example of what happens when a family seeks counsel from a pro-gay resource. The family concludes:

"I have seen a therapist, and he basically told me that homosexuality is genetic and I need to prepare for the inevitable. Once my husband is comfortable with who he is, the therapist says, and has accepted himself fully, he will want a divorce, and I will be left alone with our children to try to pick up the pieces." (Source: E-mail conversation the author held with a struggler's spouse.)

From what began as a movement for tolerance (to end the brutalization and oppression of a certain element of society) the gay rights movement has since been transformed into an agenda to normalize homosexuality. For many within the movement, this goal requires the elimination of any suggestion that orientation change can take place, or that same-gender attractions have as their root cause (among a list of other things) environmental factors or psychological trauma. This has resulted in a new form of oppression and bigotry against those seeking orientation change and against those therapists and pastoral counselors who desire to provide it.

This perspective is reinforced by the recent experience of Dr. Robert Spitzer, the controversial psychiatrist who over two decades ago successfully lobbied for the removal of homosexuality from the diagnostic manual of mental disorders, but who has now come out in support of the concept of reparative therapy. In an editorial in the Wall Street Journal he offered the following realistic scenario:

Client: "I love my wife and children, but I usually am only able to have sex with my wife when I fantasize about having sex with a man. I have considered finding a gay partner, but I prefer to keep my commitment to my family. The homosexual feelings never felt like who I really am. Can you help me diminish those feelings and increase my sexual feelings for my wife?"

Professional: "You are asking me to change your sexual orientation, which is considered by my profession as impossible and unethical. All I am permitted to do is help you become more comfortable with your homosexual feelings."

The mental health professions should stop moving in the direction of banning such therapy. Many patients, informed of the possibility that they may be disappointed if the therapy does not succeed, can make a rational choice to work toward developing their heterosexual potential and minimizing their unwanted homosexual attractions. In fact, such a choice should be considered fundamental to client autonomy and self-determination."
(Dr. Robert L. Spitzer, "Psychiatry and Homosexuality," The Wall Street Journal, 05/23/2001)

It is especially important that we find a way to provide resources and offer support for those who are struggling with this issue, but have never acted out sexually. One way to begin the process is by providing education to our religious communities. The drive for same-gender intimacy is one that is very much a part of who we are as individuals. The fact that it becomes sexualized for some, reflects an abnormal variant of this natural and healthy need for personality development and human fulfillment. The process of reducing or eliminating unwanted same-gender attractions must involve not just a choice of the will, but a process that can take many years. What can be especially helpful is a support system which is understanding, non-judgmental, and willing to protect the privacy of those willing to openly share their personal struggles.

It has been shown that for many people, the complete elimination of same-gender attractions will never be a reality. The moral and theological concerns we have must address this reality. Even Scripture withholds the fulfillment of its promise of perfection until the final coming of God's Kingdom. Following is a typical response that is given to clients when they ask if orientation change will take place as a result of receiving reparative therapy, as reported by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi:

"Of those who enter therapy, one-third experience no change (typically, they decide to leave therapy within the first few months); one-third learn the skills and achieve the self-insight to experience a significant reduction in the intensity and frequency of their homosexual attractions; and one-third overcome their homosexuality, with same-sex attractions no longer being a significant issue in their lives. The latter group is that which is most likely to move on to a long-term heterosexual relationship or marriage."

Next, we must recognize that while prayer and attempts at "faith healing by divine intervention" can be a useful tool and have some positive results, those results are often not instantaneous. For many, the process is a long road with many obstacles to overcome along the way. In this regard, we must be willing to accept these limitations and not abandon or condemn those who cannot realize complete change. Instead, we must continue to be a source of loving ministry to them. It is my hope and prayer that some day we can offer ministries in every religious community which will provide longterm, loving care and understanding for those who struggle with same-gender attractions.

Rev. / Chaplain Kent L. Svendsen
NARTH Member
Interfaith Committee on Theological Concerns

Updated: 3 September 2008

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