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from Medical Issues
Gay Men Lament the Problem of Unsafe Sex in Poz
A revealing article in the gay magazine Poz featured a first-person,
real-life account of a gay couple, one of whom admits that he knowingly
infected his live-in lover. The story, "Protect Me From What I Want,"
was the feature article of the magazine's November 1999 issue.
The couple--a man named Hush, and his HIV-positive partner
Stephen--offer some provocative insights into the problem of unsafe
sex.
Hush candidly admits that he was erotically obsessed with Stephen, who
came into the relationship HIV-positive. Stephen, however, soon lost
sexual interest in Hush.
A crisis ensued. "My identity increasingly centered on Stephen's
approval and happiness," writes Hush. "I was deeply in love. I was,
more plainly, obsessed."
When Stephen was especially aloof, Hush would try to provoke a fight,
with the goal of channeling his partner's anger into sex through an S&M
enactment. That worked only for awhile.
Sometimes he was so desperate for attention that he would, Hush admits,
shamelessly "cry or beg" for sex. Finally, he discovered that there was
one way he could renew his HIV-positive partner's erotic interest--by
offering himself as Stephen's passive partner for unprotected anal sex.
Suddenly their relationship took on a new spark of excitement.
Of course, the inevitable soon happened. Hush, too, became HIV-positive
like Stephen. Yet Hush admits that in a strange way, the sickness felt
right. "In some dark way," he said, "that I should be a part of the
great, tragic story."
And yet the story did not end there: Hush's newly HIV-positive status
caused Stephen to lose romantic interest in his partner. Without the
sexual rush which had been generated by the danger of unsafe sex,
Stephen was no longer physically attracted to his partner. With Hush
sick like he was, the excitement was over.
The two drifted into a platonic relationship. Meanwhile, the newly
infected Hush began to frequent sex clubs. He reported a "new sexual
confidence...I opened the relationship wide...health risks such as STD's
seem minor, compared to the fait accompli of infection."
In the Poz interview which was written two years later, Stephen admitted
that he now has little remaining feeling for the man to whom he gave a
fatal infection. He reports that trying to keep their relationship going
is a "daily struggle."
Stephen says he is an expert in AIDS prevention, so he does not
understand why he chose to risk infecting his lover. "I don't mean to
deny responsibility," he says. "I know what I did was wrong."
Yet he seems to believe that some better form of education might have
prevented him from infecting his lover.
"I may have read 100 brochures on the mechanics of safe sex, but I saw
not a single guide exploring the emotional complexities that lead to
risk in relationships," Stephen said. "I sense that many couples are
trapped in a dynamic similar to Hush's and mine."
"In a way," he explains, "I feel fatalistic about Hush's
seroconversion."
In spite of the enormity of what he did, Stephen admits that he still
feels a thrill at the thought of unsafe sex.
"After all that's happened," he said, "unsafe sex remains an attraction
for me, and it is a regular struggle to use condoms with negative guys."
How could the couple talk to Poz about what happened with such frankness
and equanimity?
In his book Psychological Seduction, William Kilpatrick spoke of the
psychological society's "curious modern combination of 'hedonism and
earnestness.'" Frankness through an earnest discussion of one's morally
reprehensible acts is assumed to be evidence of having taken
responsibility. The result, Kilpatrick notes, is a "debauch of
tolerance."
NARTH's Joseph Nicolosi agreed. "Honesty about what happened represents
a first step forward," he said. "But one must also commit oneself to
understanding--and acting upon the understanding--of the motivations
behind such behaviors.
"That's what's missing in this article."
Updated: 8 February 2008
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